I was never really excited for this film. Deep down, I thought this was going to be great but I was reluctant due to the mahussive let downs the 2005 and 2007 films were. They were so bad I hated them before I knew what a bad film was. Moreover, I was never overly fond of the characters, they never really appealed to me as much as Spider Man or The Hulk or X-Men. The only reason I saw this film was because I couldn’t see Mission: Impossible for a whole mess of reasons. Then I saw the reviews; IMDb – 4.1, Metacritic – 27%, Rotten Tomatoes – 9%. Oh crap.
The story, in essence, is simple, childish almost, but the director tried so hard to make it adult or gritty. When Reed Richards makes a particle teleporter thingy, Franklin Storm, father of Sue and Johnny, enlists him to help with a big, interdimensional teleporter. When he realises that Reed, Sue and himself are not enough, he tracks down Victor Von Doom, the creator of the teleporter. After they complete and test it, it is revealed that the government want qualified astronauts to go to another dimension rather than three, unqualified scientists. WHAT?! THAT IS AN OUTRAGE! That night, the trio get hammered and decide to hijack the teleporter so they can be the first humans in another dimension. Reed calls his childhood friend Ben Grimm to be the fourth pilot. When they arrive, Victor is left behind due to the fact that he messed with the crap in the glowing green pool and it went tits up, what a surprise. They all get radiated and you probably know the rest. Sue gets radiated when, for some reason, the teleporter returns and a shockwave happens. As you can tell, this is obviously an Oscar winning screenplay.
What is up with Miles Teller? He goes and makes a marvellously good film like Whiplash, then he’s in Insurgent and that shite box, then he’s in this. This type of madcap rollercoaster of film quality is clouding my direct opinion of him as an actor. As Reed Richards, the charismatic leader of the Fantastic Four, he is mind-numbingly boring. He has one expression, sheepish. Nonetheless, Jamie Bell’s rendition of The Thing was surprisingly accurate. Sadly, however, he was tragically underused, only appearing in the first and last 20 minutes of the film. He didn’t have a lot to contribute to the story. Like Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell gave a good performance, capturing the arrogance of Dr. Doom. The writers, being the undereducated apes they are, downgraded him to nothing but a petty man obsessed with Sue. Kate Mara and Michael B. Jordan gave the two worst performances I have seen in a superhero movie since Ryan Reynolds, both of them. Mara made the Invisible Woman, the superhero equivalent of a cool aunt, into an unlikable, awkward square. The Human Torch was never such a dong mongrel. After wrecking his customised Toyota, which his dad funded, he begrudgingly joins his team. However, when he has the choice to rid himself of the radiation and go back to being a street racer, he’d rather go into harms way and do some government operations.
Quick Question: What in God’s Glorious Moniker is that?
For a superhero movie, there isn’t really any superheroing. No one is really saved, in a traditional sense. The action is rushed and the only time there is actually any action is in the finale. This is due to the overfocus on the backstory, taking up a good portion of the run time. Even then, the backstory isn’t very interesting. Also, any good performances were wasted by a terrible script, and there weren’t much of those. The ending was left open for a sequel, but that is a very unrealistic possibility considering how crap this film was.
30/100
Lots of hugs, kisses and lacerations
Uncle Milo
Stuff and That. 
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