Hey! Wait a minute! This isn’t a review, top ten or the admittedly quite lazy Sub-Review. So what the hell am I, Milo, doing here? Is this an… a-a-a-a-article? WHAT?! It is?! Cool. (Get it? Cool? Christmas? Winter? Sub-zero temperature? An adjective to describe both temperature and a likeness to something, joined together to make a top class pun? Hilarious, I know.)

So, yes. This is, in fact, Milo and it is, in fact, OFFICIALLY christmas. Let us kick off the festivities with an opinion article, shall we? There ain’t gonna be too much opinion, though.

Now that those two worthless “paragraphs” are finished, I can get on to telling you about some christmassy thangs, y’know, to get you in the spirit, eh?

FILMS.

Surprisingly, I’m not one for the classics when it comes to films.

“It’s a Wonderful Life?”

“You’re alright thanks.”

“Miracle On 34th Street?”

“No, no, I’m fine.”

“A Christmas Carol?”

“What the animated one from 2009?”

“No, the one with George C Scott.”

“Why do you keep suggesting films?”

“Because you must watch one!”

“Oh, go away, you silly man.”

What? I can’t swear, it’s Christmas.

No, I, half-ashamedly, half-flip-off-I-don’t-care-what-you-think, prefer the Christmas films that were from my time, my glory days, the noughties. However, as you are about to find out, there are a few exceptions.

I was actually thinking about doing this in a list form but I’d thought I’d shake thangs up a bit, y’know.

Thinking about it, and looking at the stack of Christmas DVDs in front of me, there are a lot more non-noughties films than I thought, oh well.

Christmas films come in all ranges. That being said, most of them are in the “family comedy” region. For the following films, if these weren’t Christmas orientated, I’d probably hate them.

Deck the Halls, yes I really am talking about that one, has awful, truly awful, pandering, mainstream, family jokes woven throughout it’s bland and uninventive story. Fun fact! In between takes, Matthew Broderick could be seen, head in hands, saying repeatedly “I’ve hit rock bottom.” Don’t believe me, check IMDb, you traitorous thugs. However, despite all that crapness, I love it, have it on DVD and watch it every Christmas. Just goes to show how a little bit of festiveness can make the most cynical, teenage, amateur film critic watch and completely enjoy a bad film.

Jingle All The Way is one of those “so bad it’s good” and one of the greatest things to happen to Arnold Schwarzenegger since being compared to a “condom full of walnuts” by Clive James. Including one of his best lines, no, one of the best lines in a PG rated film; “I am not a pervert, I’m just looking for the Turbo Man doll.”

*LISTEN UP SUCKAS! WHILE CHECKING THE AUTHENTICITY OF MY QUOTE, I HAVE STUMBLED ACROSS AN AMERICAN METAL BAND CALLED “AUSTRIAN DEATH MACHINE” WHO DO NOTHING BUT ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER TRIBUTES. SCREW EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD, THAT IS AMAZING.*

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Now let’s talk about the geniunely funny Christmas films, and there sure are a few, so get ready!

Christmas Vacation was always going to be somewhere in this article and for good reason because it is not just a great Christmas film, but also a great film, in general. With perfectly disasterous comedy at every turn– wait? What are you still doing here? Don’t be a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit, go and watch it, now!

Good, now that you’re back, I’m going to send you out again. NO! NO! NOT YET! Gimme a sec to tell you why and give you a perfectly convieneant description of it. Home Alone, of course, don’t tell me you haven’t seen it. Because of course you have, idiot. It is one of the most well-known and well-loved Christmas films of all time. Moreover, it has a brilliant, inventive story to boot.

Now, I may not have seen or have any intention in seeing the 1938, 1951, 1984, 1999 or 2004 A Christmas Carol, but who doesn’t like The Muppets? I do. And that’s why I’m going to talk about The Muppets Christmas Carol next. It takes a story that is known the world over and adds in characters known the world over and an actor known the world over. That actor is perhaps England’s greatest export Michael Caine and those characters are The Muppets, as you could probably guess by now. Like most Muppet films, it incorperates each character seemlessly, sometimes without even the viewer noticing.

Now for perhaps the most genuinely funny film that I’m going to talk about; Elf. On it’s own, Elf is a great film with an innovative and memorable story, charming characters and a very warm and christmassy feel to it. However, it is all brought together by Will Ferrell who, on his own, could make any movie, even Deck the Halls, an instant classic with a performance like that. As Buddy, the human who was raised as an elf, he puts in a performance on par with Ron Burgundy and Ricky Bobby, not bad for, what seems to be but totally isn’t, a cash-in role.

Now, How The Grinch Stole Christmas is the second best Christmas film of all time, the best you’ll find out in good time, in my opinion. Yeah, sure, it’s a little bit cliché and can be slightly annoying but it is extremely christmassy and still, I think, pretty funny. The story is classic and heartwarming. Plus, Jim Carrey has some brilliant one-liners and great little jokes that go over the kids heads.

grinch baby

I honestly thought I could write more about The Grinch. I’m a little bit ashamed of myself. Oh wait! I just got over myself.

Now for the animated films and I’ve got three absolute crackers (Get it? Crackers? Christmas? Christmas dinner? Turkey? Sprouts? Grandad drunk at 1 O’Clock? No? Oh.).

Let’s start off with the newest of the bunch. Arthur Christmas is probably the only non-stop motion Aardman film that didn’t suck asssssssssets? (Can’t swear; Christmas) Not only that, but it was only released in 2011, giving it only 5 years to become in my top 5 faves, christmas-wise. That is a marvellous achievement, don’t just take my word for it, there are probably loads of people who think the same, you might be one of them, in that case, hi!

Next, another kind of Christmas Carol, A Christmas Carol, from 2009, no less. Yes, I rank this above the likes of the Muppets and George C Scott. This is my go-to A Christmas Carol due to it’s engaging animation, great performances and a new take on an old classic. This, along with The Grinch, makes Jim Carrey one of two people that have made christmas films for me.

Finally, the grandmaster, the king, the greatest Christmas film of all time. Of course, it’s The Polar Express. With the most heartfelt story and brilliant characters, this, along with A Christmas Carol makes Robert Zemekis the other person who made christmas films for me. I have been watching this film for as long as I remember on Christmas Eve and I plan on watching it for the other 86 years I’m on this planet (hopefully). I know that this isn’t everyones favourite Christmas film, but, for me, it’s more traditional than Christmas dinner and, without it, Christmas genuinely wouldn’t be the same.

Awwwwww. That was sweet, wasn’t it? Now, I invite you (yeah, you, sitting there staring blankly at your computer wondering where all the physically painful attempts of comedy and why you are still here) to watch them and get all christmassy yourself.

Lots of hugs, kisses and lacerations

Milo

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