Finally! Now that that horrible business with Cannibal Corpse is finished and unnecessarily documented, we can all go back to normal and do some reviewing!

I never played the first Crackdown because, when it came out, I were only a nipper! However, when it’s sequel, the imaginatively named Crackdown 2, came out I was a slightly bigger nipper and reveled at the thought of smashing up trucks with my bear hands and jumping over buildings etc. Then, I played it at a friend’s house. He popped in some elusive cheat codes and voila! God mode. He didn’t tell me he put in cheat codes and, needless to say, when I got it and realised that I had to woooorrrrrkkkk for my powers, I was less than impressed.

As mentioned previously in my Top Ten Best Looking Games, this is a nice lookin’ game, some would even call it sexy, I am not one of those people because that is wrong I do not condone that in any way, but it is nice, I must say. Obviously, I’m saying this due to its cell shaded graphics because I love cell shaded graphics, oh yes. One query, however, the colour scheme, it is dull. Yes, yes I know it’s supposed to be but still. I am a firm believer in the notion that if the colour isn’t hurting your eyes, it isn’t real colour. What? You thought Speedy picked the site’s colour? Oh no.

We’ve done the eyes, now to the ears. The soundtrack to this game’s main menu is definitely one of the worst I’ve heard in a long time, reminding me more of Linkin Park than anything else, and I hate Linkin Park, so, so much. In fact, why am I even giving them airtime on this site, I’ve wasted words, precious words that could be used to describe how this game has dreary, badly rendered sound that sounds like Andy and Lana Wachowski did a poo on liquefied 90s Nokia, but I guess I can’t now, thanks Linkin Park, you’ve ruined everything.

Oooh! Metal.

There is so much wrong with this picture, I literally can’t even.

So, we’ve classified that the game isn’t the most pleasing to the eyes and ears, and that Linkin Park is, in fact, the scum of music in general, now comes the bit where I talk about the story, or lack thereof in this case. Basically, zombies are there and also there are these bandit guys called the Cell and, somehow, there are still civilians on the pavement for me to unjustly destroy with my supreme awesomeness but it isn’t really highlighted throughout the game. There’s a dramatic monologue (standard) and then it just sort of sets you on your way, killing things.

I'm only a man! I couldn't resist!

I’m only a man! I couldn’t resist! I’m not even a man! I’m a fourteen year-old boy! It’s even harder!

The gameplay is where this game really picks itself back up again. You can say what you like about how it looks, sounds and what happens in it, but this game is still a lot of fun. There is a wide variety of game modes and other distractions around the game.

Firstly, the “Agency” (for whom you are an “agent”, maybe I should’ve classified that earlier) sends you on various errands which usually include beacons, don’t ask me, and the setting up and protection of them. Think when Petey Dink-Dinks tells you that unlocking a door will only take a few minutes, or something, in Destiny, and a horde of enemies come flocking to your position.

Then, there are the zombie, or “freak”, extermination missions which is just “Look! Those zombies are climbing out of that hole, shoot them!” then your like “OK.” Then, you shoot them, again not too great.

Races, however, is where this game shines, in particular, game mode wise. There are two different options, vehicle races and parkour races. Both of these are well designed, fast paced and completely infuriating, requiring multiple attempts, and that is not a bad thing. There are probably about 20 races in each category and every single one of them are just plain fun.

And that is what this game specialises in; Fun. The aforementioned powers include super strength, speed and agility, meaning that you can run, jump and punch things to your hearts content. This is particularly fun in the rich sandbox that this game offers. Normally, even in the most freeing and lenient games, there are at least a few restrictions. That isn’t the case in Crackdown 2. You can jump over buildings and outrun cars, in a freedom not seen since Spider-Man 2 on the GameCube, or PS2, or Xbox. However, that does mean that the controls are, though very slightly, a bit slippery, especially in those parkour races. I’m adding points for the climbing as well, because climbing is one of my favourite things in games; I’m looking at you Infamous and Assassin’s Creed, you so-and-sos!

Moreover, the sandbox is full of interesting structures for you to get stuck in, literally, the testing wasn’t great. Joking aside, the albeit dull and colourless map does include some weird and challenging buildings for you to mount and jump off of. Littered around it, there are orbs, I think they’re called orbs, lemme check— Yeah, they’re called orbs. Orbs increase your abilities; Agility, Strength, Firearms, Explosives and Driving. There are plenty of these, 2500 to be exact, so, if you want to feel like you have properly finished it, you better get started, son. The abilities can also be leveled up in other ways, like pulling sick trix and wicked skillz, innit.

I have a slight problem with tone of the game, whether it’s serious or not. There are some pieces of evidence to suggest that it is a jokey game, with slippers shaped like “freaks” being available as an unlockable bonus for your avatar (I wear mine with pride). However, the Linkin Park-y *wretch* soundtrack begs to differ.

Despite the bad things about this game, and there are a lot of them, as I said the gameplay is, as Mr Kipling would say, exceedingly good and isn’t that the only thing that matters?


No! It isn’t the only thing that matters. You have to take into account the entire thing and, even though it is very fun, the rest is just a bit boring.


But, it is fun. Very.


Lots of hugs, kisses and lacerations



2 thoughts on “Crackdown 2 (Xbox 360/PS3, 2010) – Review

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