This is the big one of the year. So big, in fact, that Speedy said he was going to do a review of it for himself, once he’s seen it. Before you inevitably scroll down for fear of spoilers, I solemnly swear to try my hardest to avoid them. By the way, Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

Christmas movie reference complete!

Back to Star Wars, I am, like most of you, hopefully, a Star Wars, if you’re not a Star Wars fan, give up now, this website isn’t for you. Now that we’ve filtered those out, I can get on with “it”, “it” being telling you about The Force Awakens, no more stalling you, time for the reviewing, mang.

Plot time or, as I call it, the Forest of Potential Spoilers. If you have faith in me that can avoid these spoilers, please, read on but, if you think I will cock up and tell you how such-n-such and such-n-such fought such-n-such and such-n-such threw a such-n-such at such-n-such and the such-n-such such-n-suched, go ahead and scroll down to the next paragraph, I’m sure it will be about like characters or effects or sound or something, I don’t really plan that far ahead.

*I’m going back to write this* It turns out there are a few spoilers here and there, nothing too major.

It’s thirty years after some Ewoks threw some sticks at the Empire and they got destroyeded and Luke Skywalker has gone and disappeared. A rebel guy, Poe Dameron, and his little Sphero? I think it’s Sphero droid, BB8, have a map to his whereabouts. They are on Jakku, a Tatooine-like planet, when the First Order (The Empire) attack, also searching for the map, led by Kylo Ren. When Poe is captured, he sends BB8 away to a nearby scavenger village, with the map. Dameron is being held on Starkiller Base (big Death Star planet), when a Stormtrooper with an identity crisis, Finn, turns good and breaks him out, stealing a TIE Fighter. Back on Jakku, Rey, a scavenger and later potential Jedi, has found BB8 and keeps him as a droid. Meanwhile Poe and Finn break out of Starkiller Base and crash land on, you guessed it, Jakku. After blacking out upon impact, Finn awakes to find Poe gone with only his jacket remaining at the site. Presuming him dead, Finn goes on a quest to find BB8 and destroy The First Order, or something to a similar extent. Hmm, I guess there are a few spoilers in this bit.

Turns out you guys that skipped ahead of that paragraph were in fact right, that was littered with spoilers.

Same Outfit

Isn’t it mortifying, how we all came in the same outfit!?

As is usually the case with these jolly ol’ Star Wars affairs, there is a wide and colourful cast of strange characters, though it seems that Jeffrey Jacob Abrams has indeed reined it in a bit from Lucas’ pipe dream creations. I was a particular fan of The First Order and how they were designed, especially Captain Phasma (the silver stormtrooper). I’d even go as far to say that the Stormtroopers, in particular, better those from the original trilogy. Kylo Ren looks a bit stupid though.

There were a few issues with character development in some cases, namely Captain Phasma, the silver one. She was present in posters and trailers as a major character, yet she suffered from, like, two lines of dialogue and tragically little screen time. She was used as a plot device and that was it, with a tiny bit of presentation in the first few minutes of the movie, just so she wasn’t thrust in out of nowhere. It is such a shame to see such a cool looking character be wasted in such a way, come on Jeffrey Jacob, I’m sure you can do better.

The effects were, as should be expected, awesome. You definitely couldn’t flaw a film like this for not getting the look right. It sported the perfect concoction of both practical effects, like the ones used in the original trilogy, and beautifully rendered computed generated graphics, similar to Guardians of the Galaxy. Particularly, the use of practical effects surprised and comforted me because it reminded me that George Lucas and his power hungry FX team didn’t have their grubby hands on this film, thank God.

Obviously, hype was cautious surrounding the release of this film, with even one of our own (lookin’ at you Speedy) joining the band wagon. However, what right did we have to think any different? From what I hear, the hype was almost identical to that of The Phantom Menace. Never fear though mateys, this ain’t no Phantom Menace.

89/100

Lots of hugs, kisses and lacerations

Milo

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