Sup, I’m Milo. For those new to the site, you might think “Who the hell is this schmuck?” because I’m a lazy so-and-so. Two weeks! Two weeks! Two weeks I’ve left you in the sorta capable hands of Reuben and his.. um.. music stuff. However, you can stop smashing up your computers due to the utter incompetence that surrounds Reuben like an aura, I’m back with my.. um.. movie stuff. Yay.

During my stint as the lazy so-and-so, I’ve been to the cinema, obviously, ya’ friggin’ idiot. No, not to see Deadpool, thanks for rubbing in my face with your meaty paws by the way, but to see this film. Which, though underwhelming and slightly predictable, was alright, it was fine, it was tolerable.

The story is standard for a family film and is riddled with predictable formalities, like “Mom! You’re embarrassing me!” and “Oh golly! A girl! I’m a relatable teenage boy, better not embarrass myself in front of her! Doh! I just gone and did! Ya-huck!” which does deeply offend me to my very core. Teenager moves with his mum to a boring suburb, doesn’t fit in at school and makes a best friend who is “flamboyant” to say the least. However, little does he know that his neighbour is none other than R.L. Stine, the author of the Goosebumps. Anyway, the teenager hears his daughter scream and immediately thinks “child abuse!” like any normal person would, obviously. Then, he BREAKS INTO HIS HOUSE, like any normal person would, obviously, and finds that his daughter is fine and he has just screwed the entire neighbourhood by releasing monsters unto it, via magic books.

Industrial Light and Magic eat your heart out.

Industrial Light and Magic eat your heart out.

The dweebs and nerds who read Goosebumps will probably get a kick out of the constant meta jokes and references, as well as recognize the countless amount of monsters that flood the screen.

Due to the countless amount of monsters on screen, you could be forgiven for thinking this film was going to suffer from “The Amazing Spider Man 2” syndrome with too many villains and not enough focus on any of them. However, this film picks a select few villains and concentrates focus on them, namely The Abominable Snowman, The Werewolf, The Giant Praying Mantis and Slappy, the little wooden bastard that threw the proverbial “manure” at the metaphorical “fan” to start with. This avoids any poor character development, giving me enough air time to fully familiarize myself with them and hate them all.

R.L. Stine is played by Jack Black, who steps out of his “lovable idiot” comfort zone which we all know he loves to play mysterious, non-rock orientated character, even though every time he spoke I thought “Rock. AAAAAAAAHAHAAAAHHAHHHHHAAHHHOOOOHOOOHOOO!!!!”

Rock.

Rock.

That being said, he plays it alright, better than YOU’D think, you judgmental pillock. There’s a definite sinister edge to the character that deteriorates as the film presses on, making him the family-friendly “lovable loser” we all know and love.

I hate everyone else, though. So much so, that I’m not even going to specify anything about them, because they are not worth it.

As with a disturbing amount of movies I’ve reviewed in the past few weeks, which you’d think would be a lot but it’s only two, there are some morally questionable themes near the end of the film which I won’t spoil for you now but keep that in mind if you ever go to see it. Okay?

Overall, Goosebumps was alright. Lacking in likable characters maybe, but the story itself was enjoyable enough. That being said, it wasn’t anything special.

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55/100

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Lots of hugs, kisses and lacerations

Milo

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