Why The Equalizer (2014) DVD Cover Is EVERYTHING WRONG WITH THE WORLD

Lately, I’ve been rather successful, like-wise, on my Creed, Akira and Goosebumps reviews, for us anyway, prompting me, obviously, to smear it all over Reuben’s face like Utterly Butterly. However, today, the streak will most likely tragically end, because I’m about to get alienating, unreasonably detailed and just plain stupid on yo’ asses.

On the face of it, The Equalizer looks like your run of the mill action flick which you can watch, throw away and never think about ever again because it was alright. However, it isn’t just that, it’s a really, really super cool action flick that’s sleek, well performed and, most importantly, re-watchable, but, boil it down to it’s core, and that’s exactly what it is – a run of the mill action flick.

I don’t know how long this article’s gonna be, just so you know. It’ll probably be a short-un so you can read about Reuben’s opinions on Submarine or summit.

I don’t know about most people, but the poster, DVD cover etc. is one of the things that can turn me on or off of a film I haven’t heard of before. You know they say “don’t judge a book by it’s cover”? Bollocks. Absolutely. If you saw a poster of man with a gun looking macho and there is an explosion/car/scantily clad woman behind him, hopefully you’d take one look at that and think “Wow, that looks awful”. If you’d say anything other than that, leave this site now. Just get out.

However, most studios don’t know this, and think that we will eat up any boring, unexciting action film starring Jason Statham just because he’s holding a gun on the cover and Nuts Magazine gave it five stars and they wear that like a friggin’ badge of honour. That we are so fickle and plain idiotic that we see the gun and think “Shooty! Shooty! Gun! Gun! Mummy can we get it?! Pretty please?!”, when we aren’t, I can say that with confidence now that I filtered out all of those people with the previous paragraph.

You may be wondering; “So? I don’t watch them, I don’t buy them, or interact with them. Why should I care what this dingus is saying?” That’s the problem, we see them automatically think “Eurgh!” and leave them be with the other rejects. What if that was going to be your favourite action movie? You would be robbing yourself of that experience and that’s not your fault, it because it had a bland, unoriginal cover that looked unappealing.

You may also be wondering; “Why The Equalizer? There are so many others.” Because The Equalizer is a quality film, it’s awesome, great, stupendous and delicious and the cover in question is this:

Eurgh.

That is a bland cover, no doubt about it. That’s what I’m talking about.

However, there is one more problem. He’s holding a gun. I know what you’re thinking “Big Whoop.” He doesn’t use a gun once in the movie at all, not once, well he sorta does once, but it was attached to another guys arm so it doesn’t reaaaally count. Yet, here it clearly shows him with a gun, using it and possibly loving it like an unborn child. The lack of guns is what makes this film so perfect an action film. It shows an imaginative schtick that sets it apart from your John Wicks and your The Transporters. “The people don’t give two craps about that” the studio said as they wiped their shoes on Antoine Fuqua’s face, “They want guns, guns, guns.”

This is my main issue, and the reason I wrote this too-long-for-it’s-own-good article. Forcing guns into places where guns aren’t even needed. Why? Because we’re dumb and that’s all we care about, apparently. I think that’s quite patronizing, and that’s one thing I loathe more than most, being patronized. Like we don’t search for more substance in our films. That’s why independent, more unique films like Kumiko the Treasure Hunter will never, not in our lifetimes, be more successful than The Avengers and The Hunger Games because studios are in fact afraid to take risks, not that I have anything against blockbusters, and that if they do, even in the slightest, they try to make it as accessible as possible, instead of just leaving it. Despite what you hear about “the studio took a big risk on this project” on featurettes for Deadpool or acceptance speeches for The Revenant, are you kidding me? Deadpool? A big risk? No, it had a very wide audience and the fact that it was a 15 (or rated R) was just the icing on the cake for them and the studio knew it, because they aren’t stupid, no way in the slightest. Moreover, The Revenant? Oh, you mean the one by the Oscar-Winning director, starring Leonardo Di Caprio and Tom Hardy. A risk? OK.

Hopefully, that made some sort of a lick of sense.

Lots of hugs, kisses and lacerations

Milo