Top Ten Vidja Games – Milo

This list’s main purpose is to knock down Cam’s anime review off of the top of the page because it looks a bit perverse and that could turn people off. We don’t want people to open up the site, be confronted with a wondrously jiggly individual and go “Waaaaaiiiiiiiit just a minute, this website doesn’t really look like it’s for me.” Then close down the page, because then we won’t get any of that sweet, sweet WordPress dolla dolla. However, it’s other, less important purpose is to celebrate my opinionated and nostalgia-tinted view of video games! By telling you my favourites. ‘Ere we goooo!

10. Heavy Rain (PS3, 2010)

Sorry! This is a bit of cheat, Heavy Rain isn’t a game after all it’s an “interactive drama experience” which is a dumb title. Fortunately, however, this game is anything but dumb. More focused on dialogue and choices than flat-out action, Heavy Rain has maybe the most gripping story put to the video game medium. If you consider that that is only number ten, just think about the creamiest crops coming up next.

9. Super Mario Sunshine (Gamecube, 2002)

Mario could not not not not not not be on this list, he’s Mario, in case you forgot. This installment packs the nostalgia punch that we so welcomed in my Top Ten Rock Albums, as well as stellar gameplay that takes place in a plethora of varied worlds.

8. Burnout Paradise (Xbox 360, 2008)

I’ve touched upon the plain, childish awesomeness that this game wallops onto the table, in my review of it, and that it is the best racing game of all time. Funnily enough, unlike a few of my earlier articles, I still retain that opinion. I judge anything based on how much I enjoy it, that and that alone, and this is the most enjoyable racing experience I’ve… experienced.

7. Assassin’s Creed II (Xbox 360, 2009)

I don’t care what anyone else says, Assassin’s Creed went down the pan with the release of Black Flag; I don’t want boats, mang. However, back when you were actually an assassin in Assassin’s Creed, and not a Johnny Depp wannabe, there was some excellent assassining to be had, particularly in this installment. After a wobbly first entry, Assassin’s Creed scrambled up to brilliant form with a little help from super-cool Ezio Auditore De Ffsomethingitaliansoundin and his blood-splattered exploits throughout renaissance Italy, with it’s stunning landscapes alongside varied and enjoyable characters and missions.

 

Oh! And Desmond, how could I forget? He is the best part of that game, I was on the edge of my seat while playing through the boring history bits, waiting for the next chapter in his thrilling story. Wow. What an interesting and thoroughly not bland and boring character he is. Goosebumps.

6. Tomb Raider (Xbox 360, 2013)

What a game. What a freakin’ game, man. What an adventure. That was a non-sarcastic use of italics, by the way. Pure gameplay, this game; a perfect concoction of stealth and balls-out, cover-your-ears, oh-my-god-that-guy’s-got-a-spear-impaling-his-nutsack action. A nice bit of optional exploration keeps the replay value high, as well as the infuriatingly fun online mode, perfect for killing friendships like an alcoholic, Nazi honey badger with a flamethrower, who has just snorted sixteen pounds of cocaine and hasn’t had any fresh meat in two months.

5. Sunset Overdrive (Xbox One, 2014)

Again, I reviewed this. Again, another obvious link. I love me some colourful colour, and this game has that, and so much more, in multitudes. From the unconventional but awesome gameplay to the psychedelic and detailed game world in which it all takes place, and the onomatopoeias, sadly missing out “splurge” and “whizzle”, this is just — uurrgghhh…

4. Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga (Xbox 360, 2007)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DID I JUST DROP A BOMB? No. I didn’t. Compose yourself. Take a second and put aside the dank Lego aesthetic, this is a damn good Star Wars game.  Faithful to the source material but with enough differences to keep it fresh? Check. A huge roster of characters? Check. Tons and tons of replay value, bordering on ridiculous? Check. Fun, varied levels? Check. Milo being tired and lazy and using a cheap trick to make it seem like he’s writing a lot of valid content but, in reality, he ain’t writing too good and he’s using a mixture of third person and self-deprivation to try and justify this and make you forget that he’s a terrible writer? Damn right.

After that bonkers fourth wall break (what is that Milo like? With his madcap ideas), it’s time for an unnecessary announcement for the top three- it’s the top three!

3. Soulcalibur II (Xbox, 2002)

And specifically the Xbox version too, because it included, as an exclusive, Todd McFarlane’s resident badass Spawn, in all his vulgar glory. Yes indeed, I do love me a fighting game, even though, as Reuben can concur, I suck at them (I did beat him at Soul Calibur IV, Street Fighter IV and Street Fighter V though (I think this is what he meant when he said I enjoy saying I’m better than him and he’s right, it’s great)). Moreover, this is my favourite fighting game, due to the smorgasbord of pain it lets you inflict on your opponent, as well as the plethora of characters you can choose from including the aforementioned Spawn, Spam-master Maxi and, my personal favourite, Kilik.

2. Batman: Arkham Asylum (PS3, 2009)

I like Batman, a lot. I have enjoyed, mainly, everything that has his anything on it, I even found some enjoyment out of Batman & Robin, albeit for all the wrong (or right) reasons, and I proudly wear those Batman Crocs everywhere. So imagine, if your mind is sexually charged enough, someone saying to that I could be Batman. Imagine the noises I’d make, actually don’t. Yes, there was always the possibility that is gonna be terrible. Thankfully, Rocksteady realised what the fans wanted – villains and punching, and we got a lot of that. We didn’t ask for a roid rage Joker though.

Icy.

Now for the honourable mentions, I know I’m not the only one wildly aroused by the gif so don’t worry if you can’t concentrate.

WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2008 (Huh?) (Xbox 360, 2007)

Mario Kart: Double Dash (Gamecube, 2003)

Mirrors Edge (Xbox 360, 2008)

Mafia II (Xbox 360, 2010)

Bioshock: Infinite (Xbox 360, 2013)

The Simpsons: Hit and Run (PS2, 2003)

Lego Marvel Super Heroes (Xbox 360, 2013)

Forza Horizon 2 (Xbox One, 2014)

Batman: Arkham City (Xbox 360, 2011)

Spoiler Alert, I bet you don’t know what’s coming next…

1. Just Cause 2 (Xbox 360, 2010)

This game is the shizzle. A rich open world to explore. Pulse-pounding action. Stellar graphics that sort of hold up six years on. An explosive, gripping story of espionage and blowing stuff up. This game’s motto is “Let’s blow stuff up, bruh” and if you don’t believe me, I will slice and dice you, sonny-jim. You can jump off of things, shoot people, blow things up (oh did I mention that?) and do everything your mid-life crisis self wants to do. The main focus of any game is to whisk you off to a life of action and adventure that you want to be, and I want to be Rico Rodriguez.

Lots of hugs, kisses and lacerations

Milo.