Yeesh, I had a lot of issues with this.
I never had too many high hopes for this movie, failing to include it in my Top Ten Most Anticipated Movies of 2016, a list which had Zoolander 2oolander in it, I haven’t seen it yet but, well, let Reuben tell you. I think after watching Man of Steel, and being brilliantly underwhelmed, Zack Snyder having another attempt at Superman felt a bit– useless, not that I have anything against Zack Snyder, but let’s be honest, Man of Steel wasn’t anything special. What I watched today was a mixture between DC watching The Avengers and thinking “We want ourselves some o’ that sweet, creamy cinematic universe moolah” and Zack Snyder saying “But please let me make it really, really grey looking!”, the unholy spawn of that creative fornication was just… average.
I love me some superhero antics. I guess I didn’t mind Man of Steel, there was just an underlying boredom to it though, no fun. This is why Marvel are currently reigning supreme over the superhero genre; their movies are fun. DC’s idea of fun is camp, ridiculous costumes plucked straight out of the sixties, looking at you, Mr. The Flash. Whereas in the realm of movies they just really want another Dark Knight, that’s what Man of Steel was; The Dark Knight without Christopher Nolan, and Dawn of Justice is a sequel of that, and it was exactly the same…
… but with Batman.
Like Man of Steel, it was okay, but just no fun. Performance wise, it was bit of a wild mix. Henry Cavill had nothing but cardboard acting and one HELL of an ugly cry face.
However, what everyone else thought impossible, actually happened. Batffleck was brilliant. When he was Bruce Wayne, he was both secretive and serious with Alfred and cocky and playboyish as the billionaire we all know and love. With Batman, he was Christian Bale, but he still held up, that’s for sure. Amy Adams, while not particularly outstanding, acting-wise, perfected another, while very different, still admirable skill. She showcased her extreme dexterity while maintaining her 12A nudity; avoiding full tittage while in the tub. We salute you Amy Adams, well done. Jesse Eisenberg played Jesse Eisenberg 2. Gal Gado– Oh, I’m sorry, have I not explained the Jesse Eisenberg scale before? Gather round kiddies, lemme give you some knowledge:
The Eisenberg Scale is relatively simple. It’s a way I’ve conjured up to keep up with all Jessica’s personas (all two of them) throughout his career, I’ve literally just thought of this, so it probably makes no sense whatsoever.
Jesse Eisenberg 1 – shy, snarky but ready to explode with some sort of emotion for a tense scene – seen in Zombieland and The Social Network, around that area of his career.
Jesse Eisenberg 2 – a huge tool, somehow charming, still a huge tool – seen in Now You See Me and this.
As I’m no clairvoyant, I can’t tell you with certainty what the future of the Eisenberg Scale looks like, but let me predict.
Jesse Eisenberg 3 – tyrannical, bald, fetish for thighs – seen in films such as Gimme Dem Thighs and Swedish Slaughterhouse.
Jesse Eisenberg 4 – dead – seen in films such as Jesse Eisenberg’s Actually Dead
There’s yo’ knowledge, now where was I?
Gal Gadot doesn’t really deserve a mention, really. She WAS BARELY IN THE MOVIE. She did some good CGI fighting, OK? Oh, and she was good at walking on planes and sitting at desks, that some top notch sitting at desks from Gal Gadot, really top notch. Jeremy Irons was another high point, playing a unique and memorable Alfred, taking little bits and pieces from Alfreds of the past. Holly Hunter played some sort of Senator, but she just sounded like Elastigirl, so that was me taking her seriously thrown right out the window. Laurence Fishburne was also there, I like Laurence Fishburne.
The action may have been the most disappointing thing in the movie for me. It was ridiculously slapstick, but it wasn’t meant to be. You’d be watching a really intense fight between Bats and Sups, they’d be all “ugh, I’ma gonna kill you” and “not if I kill you first” and there would be grunting and greyness and shaky cam and gravel and concrete and greyness and clouds and greyness and greyness and greyness and then BOOM! THWACK! BOING! BIFF! Superman gets hit in the face! What a doofus. Then he gets stabbed. There is fine-line between funny and brutal and this film zig-zagged across it like me at Sports Day.
I also didn’t like how the trailer gave too much away. I know that’s the case with a lot of films but it felt truly wasted with this one. They could’ve had a proper “Woah!” moment with Wonder Woman and Doomsday but they took Anthony Keidis’ advice and gave it away. CHILI PEPPERS REFERENCE.
Overall, it was just average, really nothing special. Batman was good, Superman wasn’t. Jesse Eisenberg played Jesse Eisenberg 2 very well and Michael Shannon was really good at being still. It was just so grey and dull and a bit boring, actually.
Lots of hugs, kisses and lacerations