Amid the rumour storm surrounding Nintendo’s new console in the making, the NX as codenamed, I thought we’d shake things up with a lil’ old list of things that we’ve gathered from people in the know (real, professional people) which are coming to this new exciting piece of hardware. These links have provided us with immense knowledge of both new games and features coming to the NX, even the console’s design. This article is the place to come for your NX news to the extent that you won’t even need to watch E3, and this is gonna shake the whole gaming world from its very core. Here’s the official — yes, official — design, people.
This clever piece of design tells us the NX’s colour scheme of brown, orange and green, and gives us the complex notes needed to annotate such convoluted structures, although Miyamoto messed around with Reggie’s design as we can tell by a couple of the doodles. Possibly the most important thing to gather from this incredible leaked patent is that the NX’s real name is YCE (pronounced yoo-see). It’s an interesting name on Nintendo’s part, following on in the Wii and Wii U’s form (as the controller has so faithfully). The word is Belarusian for ‘everyone’, and we collectively would like to applaud them for their originality. Now of course such a great console design would need some great games to back it up, and on that front we’ve gathered from our trusted sources (https://images.google.com/ is quite reliable) that, games wise, we’ve got these babies:
Star Fox X Dead or Alive: Things Just Got Furry
The first ever co-production by Nintendo and Team Ninja, this little diva holds a glorious mix of Dead or Alive’s jiggly fighting and Star Fox’s fast-paced action style, as you play as either your favourite DOA or Star Fox character (and exclusively your favourite, you’ll have to stick with them for the whole game) atop an Arwing as you duke it out in action packed space volleyball. To add to the fun, both characters’ amount of clothes decrease rapidly (and I mean rapidly) with each point lost, and more fur grows by points earned. There is also a deep and far-reaching story to be found in this gem of a game, as whomever you choose to play as flies through the weird and wonderful space lands the game has to offer, showcasing brilliant series staples ranging from tropical jiggle-fests to barrel rolling Star Fox villains in a thrilling – if emotional – campaign not designed to be forgotten. This unique game will also offer Grippy as day one DLC, the new star of Star Fox Guard, which will get four sequels for the YCE.
“Could this be the best crossover since PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale!?”, you ask.
Ethnic Cleansing 2: Arctic Slaughter
The sequel to the immensely successful Ethnic Cleansing, which Nintendo recently bought the rights to after tense negotiations with Resistance Records, sees your lovable white supremacist travel from the city streets to the polar ice caps in this cool adventure. After killing all the minorities, white supremacist Jackie “Creamy” McCloones finally begins to settle down with his white wife and white children. However, the comfort turns to unrest as Creamy witnesses a documentary charting the life of Inuits. Now, being the ignorant racist he is, Creamy had no idea about these Icemeisters and couldn’t stand that they exist. So his bags are packed for exploitative exploits in Greenland, Canada and Alaska. There are even some rumours that the long-awaited Ice Climbers may be making a return in this installment as the final boss, but don’t take our word for it. The gameplay promises to be unique, with a flavour of shooting and looting as well as solid platforming, puzzles and kart racing, along with a variety of other mini-sports, and the three huge locations are also exciting, bringing with it prospects of a competitive multiplayer scene with a plethora of maps.
Obviously, with it being Nintendo and all, EC2 will most likely be rated YCE, opening up the colourful world of Ethnic Cleansing to younger players. Moreover, with Creamy finally entering the Nintendo universe, this could mean his inclusion in Smash YCE, which has also promised characters like Custer and James Earl Cash.
Super Smash Bros. for YCE
Yes, people, the reference Milo made to Smash YCE, or Sma5h, as codenamed, was not in vain. Series staple Ice Climbers will return to this game’s buzzing cast of playable characters, joining new additions Creamy, Custer, James Earl Cash and Waluigi along with newly added Pokémon Shuckle, Luvdisc and Drifloom, but the latter three require hours of hard graft to unlock – or can be bought for £7.36 (or your regional equivalent) from the Eshop. This exciting new addition to the beloved Smash Bros. series will remove every aspect of fighting gameplay other than tilt moves (A attacks) so people of all ages can enjoy the game, as with all of the YCE’s games, accessible to everyone (or, yes, yce).
Smash YCE’s small cast of characters is designed to remove tiers altogether, with each character having equal perks and abilities – each tilt move differing from the last, but doing exactly the same thing (clever, I know). However, this accessible new fighter isn’t just for young-uns and casuals, as the competitive scene runs its course like its never done before due to the fact that the only playable stage is The Bridge of Eldin but without the obstacles.
This game will be a launch title for the YCE, and will be the ambassador for Nintendo’s idea that everything on the console is for YCE, and every game will have the age rating of YCE, but it is evident that developers aren’t sticking to this and are releasing things such as Ethnic Cleansing for YCE – unless of course that is intentional, which is probable. Anywhom, the name for this new Smash Bros. game isn’t a coincidence, as it really is for YCE — and I mean YCE. YCE, YCE, YCE.
I said YCE a lot. Oh well, just getting you hyped up.
Ichi the Killer For YCE
Now, this one is quite hush-hush, so much so that, if he who told me this found out I told you this, he’d skin me like a bastid. So forgive me for the lack of details. Obviously, you know who Ichi the Killer is, from his highly successful manga series and feature film. Since Nintendo have been on a rights buying spree lately, buying the aforementioned Ethnic Cleansing series, they have nabbed the rights to this character. This means that everyone’s favourite sado-masochist serial killer is coming to YCE. Since this is still in development, gameplay details are faded but I’ve heard through the proverbial grapevine that it will be a revolutionary mixture of Match 3 puzzles and kart racing. Like every other game on the YCE, this will be rated YCE — for mild peril. If this is successful, there is potential for crossovers with Mario, Sonic and Custer — maybe even Baldies; and we all want that.
Well, that’s about all the information we’ve gathered about the YCE, Nintendo’s new console — oh! It’ll come out June 16th, so get your cash ready – you’ll need lots of it.
Now that you’ve got all our info you probably won’t need to bother with Nintendo’s E3 this year, so we’re sorry for spoiling that. Oh well, this has been Reuben and Milo spilling the beans, and we hope you’re grateful.
Lots of hugs, kisses and lacerations
Bringing redundant opinions for scrollers everywhere,