You may or may not remember, in August, I watched Fant4stic Four–stic Four. There was a guy in it called Michael B Jordan, he sucked. The words “dong mongrel” were used; I’m not even sorry. Fantfourstic 4stic Four was so awful that Michael B Jordan went from “unknown person that I couldn’t care less about” to “oh God, that guy” for about two weeks until I got over myself because I’m a massive douchebag.

When I first heard about Creed, it was on IMDb’s Coming Soon page which I frequently visit. Due to the lack of poster and lack of context, I thought one of two things; “Assassin’s Creed” and “Crap Action Film”. Turns out it was neither of those things, but a Rocky reboot. I like 5/6 of the Rocky Franchise, Rocky V was offensive to my face, I mean “Tommy Gunn”? REALLY? However, I still couldn’t figure out why it was called “Creed”, then I figured it out and made a loud and possibly worrying noise in public, it sounded like a mixture of a chipmunk choking and a homeless drunk stubbing his little toe on a fine mahogany table, if you can imagine that, I’m sure you can.

Creed is, essentially, black Rocky. That’s it. Granted, Adonis (Michael B Jordan) has a different background, changing up a bit.  However, as soon as that sucka gets to Philly, the old Rockyisms we all know and tolerate get in the mix. There is a girl, there is a mentor, there is an overwhelming obstacle, there are hardships, there are gyms, there is a dramatic speech and you’re goddamn right there’s a training montage. However, I have no problem with this. It’s a Rocky film, I know and love the gist of these films, except for Rocky V (Tommy Gunn? Are you actually kidding me? (Yes, I know I’ve made this point before (I am also aware of the double, now triple, bracketing (That’s just how I roll (suckas))))) that film can just die.

The aforementioned Michael B Jordan has gone right up in my estimation. In 4tastic Fant, he was dull, unlikable and a dong mongrel if I ever saw one. On the other hand, in Creed, he was driven, relatable and, most of all, likable. Remind you of another boxer from years ago? Rocky, I was alluding to Rocky, for those who are idiots. Plus, extreme hunkability.

Hunk Alert

Steamy. Rocky approves.

Supporting him, Sylvester Stallone plays Rocky, who is basically Mickey, Rocky’s old trainer, but nice. I didn’t like Mickey, he was mean. Retaining his charm from the previous Rocky films, Stallone couples this with the “wise old man” mechanic. Though interesting at times, the film really tries to hammer home that Rocky is old. To me, it seemed like every two minutes there was a reference to Rocky being old, whether he’s at a graveyard or someone saying “Long time no see” or LITERALLY calling him an old man, like that isn’t a given. We get it, Stallone’s almost 70; he’s old. Despite this, Stallone does give an admirable performance. Considering some of the competition though, it doesn’t look like an Oscar. Not to me anyway.

I can’t think of a reasonable link to talking about the cinematography, so I guess I’ll just start now.

The cinematography was surprisingly good and noticeable. During the fights, especially, the camerawork is particularly atmospheric and, when meaty fist meetys face, it can be quite disorientating, even. When Creed ain’t kickin’ ass or takin’ names, the cinematography is still pretty good. That’s it, no joke, no elaboration of any kind, just good.

So we know it’s a treat for the eyes (Rocky approves), but how about the ears, eh? Like the cinematography, the sound was surprisingly notable. During the fights, again when meaty fist meetys face, the sound is extremely noticeable, like you’d think. Crunch, crunch, snap, snap — I think that describes it aptly. Additionally, the surround sound was also used exceptionally well. For example, while I was sat in my lovely back row seat, I noticed a guy a few rows down from me with his feet on the seat in front of him. During the film, Rocky and Creed were in the gym and one of trainers in the background was shouting at someone about his footwork; “You! At the back! Move your feet!” Needless to say, the guy put his feet down and the rest of us were looking around for the guy who shouted. Now I feel like an idiot because I am one.

On the other hand, the soundtrack was fifty shades of wrong, just bad, terrible, awful and suckening. They obviously tried to mix the classic Rocky theme tune with elements of “urban” music because he’s black and we’re all dirty racists. However, somehow, they ended up with the worst bits of both, like being unable to make a funny and slightly surreal analogy about having the worst bits of two different entities. I hate myself so, so much.

Finally, the make-up is the standout of any Rocky film and this one is no different. It was truly hard to look at. Michael B Jordan, by the end, looked someone had stuffed some mega marshmallows under his eyelids. You are very welcome for that image.

Overall, Creed was a solid film. There were some good performances from Sylvester Stallone and Michael B Jordan, of Fant4forthepriceof2stic Four fame, coupled with great visual effects and sound. This is only let down by the slightly off pacing, questionable story arches and the godawful soundtrack.

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79/100

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Lots of hugs, kisses and lacerations

Milo.

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2 thoughts on “Creed (2016) – Review

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